I don’t think I ever said to my son “say you’re sorry” even if I felt it was clear that he should. I squirmed inside many times when others expected an immediate apology while I instead would take him aside and ask him if he did, indeed feel sorry, and if so, could he say it. Usually, he did the right thing, but occasionally he was stubborn or contrary, or felt that it was the other person who should apologize. Sometimes he was right and when we would discuss it later he would feel angry and wronged. Sometimes he was wrong and he would struggle with the reasons.

We all know when an apology is not meant, and sometimes children (and adults) will say it. “You’re NOT sorry, you’re just saying it”. A false sorry never feels very good and a sincere apology creates closeness.

An authentic person is generally appealing and creates respectful relationships. Authenticity also means that a person can be trusted, means what she says, and is emotionally true.

This is particularly useful in writing class!

A student who can write about the disagreement with a friend, the reprimand from a teacher, the struggle with jealousy, the frustration with *her own expectations, or her personal responses to an animal or book—in other words, her authentic life—will be well equipped to write interestingly and with verve. Not only does this serve her well in her personal life (to express herself intelligently, to communicate with others in a true and interesting manner and to accept all parts of her experience) but it also serves her well on a more mundane but relevant level, with examinations and university applications.

Grammar, vocabulary, sentence structure, transition sentences and thesis statements can all be learned by example and practise once the principles are understood; to express yourself honestly and from the wellspring of your own uniqueness however requires encouragement and validation because it is an internal process.

The child who speaks the truth and writes about her experiences from her unique perspective writes usually with humour, energy and about themes to which we all relate.

Society generally coerces children to conform. I want my classes to be a place where each child feels secure enough to speak her mind.

*substitute him/his for your son.